Backwards Blog
Calling out the Root Causes of Loneliness
Hi. My name is Jordan, and I have a severe allergy to self-help gurus. I am not here to tell you to love yourself or think positively. I know that doesn’t work—because I spent decades grappling with that excruciating, bone-deep loneliness so many of us feel.
If you know me from my former career as a musician, you might be among those who thought of me as strong. You may have imagined that I felt part of a group, a society, the music scene, or whatever. But like so much in our modern world, the face we wear in public is not the same as the life we live behind the scenes.
The truth is, for most of my life, I felt disconnected, unseen, and isolated. And when I went searching for solutions, I was repeatedly told that the key to fixing my loneliness was to learn to be happy on my own—to think positive and love myself before I could even expect to venture out into the world and connect with others.
So, I did what I was told.
If you’re anything like me, you might relate to this other part of my experience too—growing up as the family scapegoat, constantly being told, in no uncertain terms, that everything was my fault. Self-help and spiritual-but-not-religious books fed right into that conditioning. I was eager to believe that my loneliness, low self-esteem, and painful isolation were all my fault too. I thought accepting blame would make me a better person, that it would be taking responsibility. I thought if I just shouldered the blame as I had been taught to, there would be some kind of payoff.
But I didn’t find answers in the self-help books that promised to cure my problems. In fact, over time, I felt worse—more isolated. And the fact that I still couldn’t fix my loneliness felt like yet another failure. Another thing I was supposed to blame myself for.
How could I be doing everything right according to these so-called experts, yet still be getting worse? That had to be my fault too, right? Isn’t everything down to me? Aren’t we in complete control of our thoughts and what happens to us?
This mindfuck of self-blame might have continued indefinitely, but here’s the thing: I’m a philosophy graduate. I love philosophy. And at some point, a critical gaze crept in. The more I examined the underlying values of Western spirituality and self-improvement, the clearer it became that they had been hijacked by the same capitalist, individualistic values that were causing the very problems they claimed to solve.
I thought of Žižek: Self-improvement narratives contain their own contradiction. They obfuscate the very values that prevent them from ever truly solving the issues we seek to fix. Instead, they perpetuate the problem.
Loneliness Is Not a Personal Flaw
This podcast aims to introduce you to a crucial fact: Loneliness is not a personal failing. It is a deep, existential issue with real, measurable consequences.
We are born as social creatures. We die without the presence of others. A mother does not survive without the support of those around her. From the very beginning, connection is not a luxury—it is a biological necessity.
Psychologists like Bowlby have shown that loneliness isn’t just unpleasant—it actively damages us. It’s a cause of developmental disorders. It kills. It’s not just about feeling sad sometimes—our emotional well-being, our very survival, is at stake. In earlier times, those banished from society didn’t die because they couldn’t hunt or build shelter—they died because they were cut off from the essential nourishment of human connection. Today, people with few or no social connections die younger, suffer more illnesses, and report lower quality of life across the board.
And yet, loneliness is not an individual’s problem. Loneliness is the direct result of a society obsessed with individualism, with the atomization of human relationships.
I know what you might be thinking—because I thought it too.
"But everyone else seems okay… so the problem must be me."
The Facade of Being "Fine"
Point one: Our society conditions us to wear a facade of being fine. Many others are suffering just like you, but they don’t look like they are.
Point two: As Krishnamurti famously said, “It is no measure of health to be well-adjusted to a profoundly sick society.”
Krishnamurti’s philosophy rejects the idea that the problem is us. Instead, he points to the structures and ideologies that shape our understanding of loneliness, connection, and self-worth—and calls for a radical shift in perception. He urges us to reject pre-packaged answers and embrace real, direct experience.
And that is precisely what we need when it comes to loneliness: a reframing of the entire conversation.
Not as an individual’s failure, but as the product of a system that actively isolates us while offering false solutions.
The Lie of Self-Sufficiency
Right now, we live in a world where self-help, wellness culture, and Western spirituality all tell us that if we just try harder, meditate more, or visualize success, we’ll somehow be healed and ready to be the perfect friend, partner, or human.
But the values underlying these narratives—control, individualism, cognitive primacy—are exactly what’s keeping us stuck.
We’re taught that we must control our thoughts, our emotions, our bodies. That we must be in charge of everything, including our healing.
But here’s the issue: That system of control is a lie.
It’s a tool designed to keep us divided, isolated, and easily manipulated.
The myth of perfect self-sufficiency tells you that if you don’t have it all together, you have no place in the world.
And that’s exactly what makes us lonely.
Connection Comes from Shared Humanity
Here’s my first spoiler: Control is an illusion. Real connection doesn’t come from being perfect, or self-sufficient, or fully healed and actualized. It comes from embracing our shared humanity—the messiness of life, the reality that we need each other, even when we are imperfect. Philosophy taught me to question simplistic narratives. It helped me reject the toxic idea that I had to fix myself in isolation before I was worthy of connection.
What This Podcast Is (And Isn’t)
This podcast, The Loneliness Industry, is about challenging the narratives that tell us we must fix our loneliness alone.
Instead, we will explore the truth: Real connection comes from embracing our shared human experience, our need for community, and our capacity for vulnerability.
Lastly, let me be clear about what I’m not going to do:
I am not here to sell you a one-size-fits-all solution. I won’t insult your intelligence by claiming I “healed” my life with some self-brainwashing technique and that you can too.
Because here’s the truth: I am not even healed.
And I don’t have to be. Neither do you.
What I am here to do is offer you a different perspective—one that helps you recognize when the so-called cure contains poison. A perspective rooted in philosophy and critical thinking, not shallow affirmations and toxic positivity.
You don’t have to be fixed to be worthy of connection. You don’t have to love yourself first before you are allowed to experience love from others.
You are not alone in your loneliness. And there is a way out of this cycle. The Loneliness Industry is here to unpack cultural myths, challenge the way we understand ourselves and each other, and help you start building deeper, more meaningful connections. Not by fixing yourself, but by confronting the systems that make us feel broken in the first place.
So if you, like me, are sick to death of feeling lonely, and would like to know more about how we ended up in this mess, and what to do about it, please subscribe or follow or whatever. I would be stoked for you to join me for deeper look at what keeps us stuck, despite promising to do the opposite. Next Blog Post